I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
