Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
