i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
