Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
this hospital has no fireball
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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