why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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