CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
