this boner is exhausting
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
