There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.