I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
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You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament