The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear