I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face