I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.