Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
PANTIES FOUND
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
