Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
