Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
