i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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