theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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