You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
