Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
