On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
