Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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