Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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