It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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