My friends, they love my intelligence
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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