the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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