Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
