My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
