you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
In America we eat man semen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
