Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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