DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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