was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
