I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
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we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
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I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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