She said her name was "party"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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