The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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