He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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