Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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