a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
