woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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