Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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