my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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