Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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