she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
