we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
