She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
