i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
