I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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