he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
