at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
