I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...so i touched it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize