Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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