1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love you.
Bad choice
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
