it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
