Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
