Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
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Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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