He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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