I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
