And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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