I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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