We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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