She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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