While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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