I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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