Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
