Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
